I have struggled my whole life with issues about "control". I have a very strong personality. I like things done the way I think they should be. I like doing things myself because, "then, I'll know they've been done just how I want them done". I like having a plan, even if it is an unrealistic one. I can know to the bottom of my heart that my list has so many things to get done on it that there is, very literally, not enough time in the day to get it done - but I still feel better because I have a list and "at least I won't forget anything I planned to do". I think I've adequately described my tendencies toward complete insanity... especially in this department.
We've told several people about this "crazy plan" that we'd like to do if we can sell our house. We were partially inspired by Dave Ramsey's ideas about fiscal stewardship. I love his quote, "If you're friends don't think you're crazy, YOUR NOT DOING IT RIGHT!" Some people have looked at us like we're crazy, but others have remarked that it is a brilliant plan. We felt like we were following God's will by accepting this plan. It really doesn't even feel like our plan, but His. I wouldn't have thought..."Hey, let's pick something that's going to create more work for us than we already have".
We hadn't had a single showing on our house with this agent until we'd started making preparations towards this "crazy plan, then what almost seemed magically, we got a call for a showing. This past weekend, we worked so hard getting ready for an open house. We have sore muscles, sunburn and I even have a blister to prove how hard we worked in the backyard. I am so pleased with our backyard. It really is the backyard I've wanted for this house since we moved in. We were able to put Ashlyn's little play house back there and all! The inside was spic-and-span! I left the house thinking, "I wouldn't mind keeping this house - I forget how much I like it when it's not this clean." We had gone Saturday late afternoon to drive by several houses that I'd found that were in the price range we were looking. The first one we looked at had a little promise, but it was really small - the second was a "no way, jose" kind of house. The third was absolutely and positively perfect! We looked at the others I'd collected information on and found a couple other "maybe's" - but we'd already found "the one".
Fast forward to Sunday at 4 o'clock. I texted the real estate agent wondering how many people showed up at the open house. I mean I didn't expect the open house to sell the place - but I thought we might have had some curious people come out. Nope....she texted back, "I hate to say it, but not a soul came." I just didn't understand. The plan was working out. We are supposed to be doing the plan, right??? I reflected back on telling David while we were working in the back yard that I wasn't doing the work for whoever bought the house, I was doing it for us... so that we could actually use our backyard for however long we were intended to live in this house. (I had done an extra project that wasn't necessary and planted some plants underneath our bedroom window that probably won't really even look great until next year (assuming the dogs don't dig them up). That project is what gave me the blister. I realized that I really did mean it. I accepted that obviously we had misread God's intentions and we should probably just refinance and stay in our current home for a while longer. I mentally gave up trying to sell our house.
Monday morning... 9:30am: The real estate office just called and someone wants to look at the house between 10 and 12. Seriously....they couldn't have come to the open house - I had to take my lunch break at 9:30 in the morning to go set up the house for someone to look at. Even though I've mentally given up on selling this house, I just don't want someone to walk in on my un-kept house (it really is still perfectly clean, except for breakfast dishes and hair accessories and towels from getting ready).
Somewhere between 9:30 and 10:00 this morning I realized that although I say outwardly "I trust God to provide the best possibilities for us in life, even if I don't know what that is..." that in my heart what I've been saying to God - "I trust you because I've figured out your plan and I like it. It seems like a plan I can live with. I have enough strength to move forward with your plan God." I realized that I felt comfortable and excited about this plan, because I felt "in control" because "I know God's plan". Today I learned that I don't know God's plan and that's kind of scary for me. What if part of His plan is that He's not going to tell me the plan. What if the plan is that I just have to blindly trust that the long run is going to work out the way He wants it to, even if it's not the way I want it to. What if the plan is that I have to learn to concede to His control and ask Him what to do next each and every step of the way. I'm learning that it's not about my strength or what I do to work toward the plan I think God is weaving. My strength is really of so little importance to Him. He doesn't even take it into consideration when he decides on the plan for our life. It's not even the slightest factor for Him. He knows He has enough strength to go around. We'll continue to make preparations to sell or refinance, but I feel like my heart is different now. I don't know how this will turn out, and I'm learning to be OK with that!!!